well this is exciting! my first day on neocities. i hope to go somewhere with this site. not sure what i wanna do with it but i feel like im going to have a lot of fun.
the days seem to be growing longer. I feel kind of isolated from everything, including myself.
like I said yesterday, the days keep growing longer. if life isn't meant to be eternal, why does it feel like this is going to last forever?
i like having this little quiet space on the web that barely anyone knows about. it's a fun secret.
quiet.. it's all i want.
also i will be setting up a guestbook at one point for you to leave messages! (my guestbook link is: http://users3.smartgb.com/g/g.php?a=s&i=g36-32636-fc)
i find myself growing more and more irritated with the people around me and all i want to do is sleep. i truly do not know what i did to deserve this. mental illness has held me captive for a very long time.
this week was long.
i wish i had the words to express what im feeling
it's nice to be here where no one knows my name, or where no one knows me at all. facades. that's all it is.
a new year, huh? interesting how that happens as fast as it does. a new year means new thoughts, experiences, new shades of light and darkness being discovered, etc. lets see what happens.
i am still so tangled up in you, in your laugh and the affection you once showed me. im so tangled up in your eyes, the way you treated me and the things i wanted with you. i am tangled in you, your very being and your soul, and i should not be. it's like it's against the rules of the universe and against the rules of how we both work as friends once more. i am damned inevitably forever. to tell you i love you, to have you in my arms and to kiss you again, it's all i want anymore. i am exploding on the inside. all i do is cry and wish for something that will never come back to me. i scream it to whatever is up there spiritually in my head. it's all i want. i need to see you, however i would just cry. i am still broken by everything and our fate, i am still broken at everything we have gained and lost. i hold it close to me no matter how much it cuts me. the lacerations mean everything and nothing as i keep these memories closer and closer as i realize as each day passes, the time we spent together becomes more and more trapped in the past. i wish for a time that cannot be felt on a tangible scale. the little remnants we created and gave to each other are a time capsule. the videos and the pictures take me back for a moment, and i will admit i smile at those. i get trapped in the little blip, and i quickly come back to this reality. i know what we had was not perfection, nothing is ever perfect. but i crave you. my love for you, once i discovered it, has never gone away. i don't know when i will be over you, or when i will be able to visit you safely. but for now, i have been wandering old memories of us and things we never got to do. i wish i had never said yes to you mentioning we should've broken up. we both took it apart, i know. but if i could, i wouldn't of said yes. i thought it was for the best, and i thought i was gonna be okay. but im not okay. nothing about this is okay. i have never missed someone as much as i miss you. this is the consequence of love and being too deeply in love. i dont regret what we had. i just wish we had turned out differently.